Conan the Barbarian is not a good movie. I usually don’t say such things so blatantly as I try to find something good in every movie I watch. I realize the time, effort, and risk that goes to create a few hours of cinematic entertainment. I’m still saying it wasn’t good. This should not be considered a remake of the 1982 cult classic that launched Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie career (I know he did earlier movies, but that one made him a star). The plot is in no way related to that one. It’s a completely different story. In fact, I found the story in no way related to anything from the Conan world. I was an avid reader of the book series by Robert E Howard when I was a pre-teen. It can be argued that Robert E Howard was one of the original architects of the modern sword and sorcery genre. An impressive accomplishment for a man who committed suicide in 1936 at the young age of 30. His work was considered no more than pulp fiction during his lifetime, but his work and breadth of characters have been revered by every generation since then. Almost canonized. I won’t say I’m an expert, but I do know my Conan. This movie was in no way related to the character other than the name and a few of the countries mentioned. This felt like a generic sword and sorcery movie that some movie company slapped the name ‘Conan the Barbarian’ on because they had the rights to the name.
In fairness, I think they captured the look of Conan effectively in the actor Jason Momoa. He looks much more like the fictional character than Schwarzenegger ever did. However, other than the fact that he was ‘born into battle’, there is no other similarity to the Conan mythos. The plot exists only to have a way to connect multiple fight scenes. The scenes actually become tedious after a while as the outcomes are rarely in doubt. Conan walks in and starts a fight. He then proceeds to dominate everyone with dazzling sword play. It was interesting the first dozen times. The novelty wore off quickly.
The story, what little there was, follows the life of Conan the Barbarian of Cimmeria. His clan is wiped out by the evil magical warlord Khalar (played by an almost unrecognizable Stephen Lang from Avatar fame). Khalar and his evil daughter Marique (played by an equally unrecognizable Rose McGowan) pillage the known world in search of fragments to an ancient mask that will make him all powerful. Witnessing the death of his father at the hand of Khalar, Conan sets out on a life-long quest for revenge searching for the evil warlord. Since, in the time it took for Conan to become an adult, Khalar became the most notorious ruler in the Hyperborian world, I’m not sure why it was so hard to find him. Eventually, Conan does identify Khalar and captures the one thing that Khalar wants to complete his magical plans; a pure blood virgin from the temple (you have to have hot chicks in sword and sorcery movies). Conan battles Khalar’s evil minions and the now uber creepy daughter as they try to take the tempting virgin from Conan. Again, it’s fight after fight that keeps building to the ultimate battle between Conan and Khalar. Any surprises there?
I tried to approach this film as a non fan, but I couldn’t. There was something magical about Robert E Howard’s stories that sparked the imagination of several generations of fantasy enthusiasts. This film just failed to capture the wonder and discovery of Conan’s travels and adventures. Conan wasn’t just about the fighting. He was about exploring new lands and discovering magical realms. Conan was a man who challenged the gods and won. Conan was what every boy dreamed he could become. This movie captured none of that inspiration. You could have slapped any name on this movie as it really had nothing to do with Conan.
I give this film * star.
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