The Expendables 2 reunites Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, and all the aging action stars of bygone decades and provides everything you would expect and less. It is a generic paint-by-the-number plot, featuring wooden characters taking on a one dimensional bad guy who is attempting commit the standard global crisis crime. Throw in a generic female eye candy martial artist for no good reason and you have the most typical action movie ever made. The only thing that keeps this film from being completely embarrassing is the fun at seeing all these aged action stars assembled in one place and the heavy doses of self deprecating humor and nods to the audience of their past glories.
This time around they seem to have gathered more of the relics from the 80's and 90's. Most notably being Jean Claude Van Damm and Chuck Norris. In fact, the only one I thought was missing was Steven Segal. Sylvester Stallone returns as world weary mercenary Barney Ross (did anyone even remember his name from the first movie?). The mysterious government agent Mr Church (Bruce Willis) calls in a debt and demands that Ross and his team help recover something or other to prevent nuclear annihilation. For some reason, Church demands that a woman named Maggie (played by an ordinary Nan Yu) accompany them as, apparently, she is the only one who is qualified to break into a safe. The young blood of the group named Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) meets an untimely death by the hands of the generically villainous Vilain (yes, Jean Claude Van Damm plays a villain named Vilain). This sets up the film to be, as all great action flick plots are, Personal.
The body counts are massive as the team massacres soldiers with seeming impunity. None of the good guys ever get a scratch even though countless minions continuously fire automatic weapons at them. Stallone and team never seem to miss though. In these types of movies, that’s how you tell who the good guys are: They never miss where as the bad guys can’t hit the side of a building if they are standing next to it. Each scene is an excuse for mass carnage that somehow gets them closer to Vilain. However, their real goal is revenge and saving the world is just a nice addition.
The plot throws in saving some villagers to make it seem more noble, but these guys still kill rather indiscriminately to accomplish their goal. Chuck Norris makes a glorious entrance where the cheesiness of his entrance makes it all the more glorious. They make not so subtle references to his Lone Wolf McQuade character (my favorite Chuck Norris movie btw) and Chuck once again proves he can’t act. It’s hard to believe he’s 71 in real life and still kicking major bad guy butt in film. His massive (yet groomed) beard hiding the effects of time. Although all of them are showing their age, I thought Schwarzenegger is looking the worse for wear. A Governorship and marital scandal can do that to a man.
The film culminates with all of the characters coming together in one big shoot-out (amazing as the whole movie was one big shoot-out). The one liners and sly quips coming out as rapid as the gun fire. Of course it all culminates in the Stallone-Van Damm show down. I’ll let you guess who wins.
This is an awful awful film that was absolutely fun to watch, just by the nature of the concept. No apologies made and no pretensions that it was anything other than what it was. A celebration of past glories all assembled together in one place.
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